I have these times (and I am kind of in an extended phase of this) where I look at my life and everything I am trying to accomplish and come to the realization that I am doing this right. Even though I have times when I doubt myself and wonder if I'm dealing with things properly and feel like I'll never get over certain things, I know that I make my decisions with due consideration and that I am trying my best no matter what. I keep my mind on a very tight leash, constantly thinking of ways to deal with and move on from things, ways to improve for next time, ways I've learned to better myself. I think this stops me from having regrets.
I have other times, though, times when I realized that if I believed in regrets, I would have a lot of things to eat me up inside. I could be doing things better. I know ways I can improve. I know ways I have failed people. I'm so far from perfect, and I am constantly striving to be better, but I'm human and I mess up more than I let myself realize.
Or maybe I realize it too much?
In any case, it's a split thing. I have recently arrived at a peaceful place, you could say, something I haven't had for myself since maybe 2004 (mainly because of the guys I have involved myself with). Now that I have time to myself with no one in the picture, I am trying to focus on the things in life that will get me ahead. It's hard, though, some nights when everything I should have done, mistakes I made, etc come back to me and I feel so helpless. I should have known better, I should have realized what my inaction would mean, I should have known what it took to maintain a friendship. At the same time, I know this certain situation happened when I was younger and I honestly didn't know better and I guess it was definitely a lesson I had to learn the hard way. Why does it happen like this? I hate the stupid dumb hard way, it hurts and it tends to make me lose people.
Anyway. There are things I have been coming to terms with, things I need to come to terms with still, and all of it hurts. It scares me to realize that I may never rid myself of these scary parts of my past.
I think one of the most liberating feelings I've felt in a while comes from seeing that I'm not the crazy one around here, that my feelings of uncomfortability with certain guys of my past are mutual and I have some degree of control. It's not just the world against me; it's a weird twisted thing of both parties being affected and both acting like it's not a big deal and MY GOD is that empowering. I do this thing sometimes where I have to face fears and they seem like they're going to be scary but nothing is too scary when the situation comes about...and I'm left feeling like I just beat the shit out of something ugly.
I was really upset halfway through last week because I was sick of being so afraid of everything. A lot of the time I feel like when it comes down to it, I live a life of fear. But when that feeling passes, I realize once again that it's just a coming and going phase, and for most of life I am relatively okay and self-assured.
Sometimes I make decisions and I get terrified that they aren't the right ones. I nitpick and contemplate and wonder what the best method of dealing is. I worry that I have made less-than-perfect choices. There are other times in life when everything comes out and it all makes sense and I realize how damn smart I am to do and to not do certain things. I know I should have faith in what I do. I know I always make decisions that I won't regret, and on the rare occassion they are regret-able, I know myself well enough to let it go. And I think it's, again, empowering because I realize that even though I get super duper massively confused so much, I am really doing my best and living my life the most effective way I can. I am kind to others around me, I am doing things to get forward, and I am coping gracefully with stuff being thrown in my face. I think I am doing well, overall. I know there are many ways I can improve, and I won't let myself forget them, but in the meantime I guess I am coming to terms with the almost-fact that what I am doing now is good enough and I don't need to beat myself up over anything.
What's a leap of faith to you? Have you ever taken one?
Doing something that is probably stupid but you feel like it will work out and are really damn lucky if it does!
I have taken some with trusting people.
What's your favorite thing to shop for?
CLOTHES, hands down! I love going to malls and browsing and buying cute stuff. EEEEEEEEE.
I would have said food, but I hate the process of grocery shopping.
What's your morning beverage of choice? Coffee, tea, juice? Homemade or store-bought?
Orange juice! It's so yummylicious.
What was the first movie you remember seeing in a movie theater?
Alladin...and it had a weird ending with a room full of lamps and shit. No one believes me, not even the people I went with!
I must have been in the second grade, hmmm.
What's one thing that you'd like to get done this weekend? Is there anything holding you back?
I really need to clean my room. What's holding me back? Work and my social life, of course!
What is your current computer desktop image? Let's see it!
HOLY CRAZY HEATWAVE! Today was INSANELY HOT! It was 36+ degrees, upper 40s with the humidex. Right now it's almost 1 a.m., 29 degrees, and 42 with the humidex. HELLO I AM MELTING INTO A BLOB!
(EDIT: these temps are in Celsius, btw!)
I'm giddy about something. I'll write about it later. :)
What's your cell phone's ringtone? What made you pick it?
Chamillionaire's "Ridin'"...hahahha cause I feel so gangsta when I hear it and that makes me laugh. Plus I'm in love with the song, although I'm kinda sick of it now.
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Recent Comments
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Shan said:
omg I can't believe you updated..SO DID I!!!!eeee twilight zone read more
on QotD: I Love To Shop For... -
Noreen said:
Kitty, that definitely means mine was the Disney one. It's so weirddddddd...I'm gonna do some online searching to see what... read more
on QotD: My Intro to the Big Screen -
Kristi said:
haha, aww! i don't even remember which movie i saw. i think of raja (sp?) from that movie everytime i... read more
on QotD: My Intro to the Big Screen -
Lynn said:
Noreeeeeen!!! I believe you, even if it's a LITTLE strange that not even the ones you went with believe it... read more
on QotD: My Intro to the Big Screen
I love grocery shopping. mmmm foooood read more
on QotD: I Love To Shop For...